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Here's the first quotable quote of the century:

Monica Lewinsky on CNN's Larry KingLive discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss :

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."

State Mottos

bulletAlabama: Yes, we have electricity
bulletArizona: But It's a Dry Heat
bulletArkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
bulletCalifornia: As Seen on TV
bulletColorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
bulletConnecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
bulletDelaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
bulletFlorida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
bulletGeorgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
bulletHawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
bulletIdaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
bulletIllinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
bulletIndiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
bulletIowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
bulletKansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
bulletKentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
bulletLouisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
bulletMaine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
bulletMaryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
bulletMassachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
bulletMichigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
bulletMinnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
bulletMississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
bulletMissouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
bulletMontana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
bulletNebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
bulletNevada: Whores and Poker!
bulletNew Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
bulletNew Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
bulletNew Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
bulletNew York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
bulletNorth Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
bulletNorth Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
bulletOhio: At Least We're Not Michigan
bulletOklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
bulletOregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
bulletPennsylvania: Cook With Coal
bulletRhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
bulletSouth Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
bulletSouth Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
bulletTennessee: The Educashun State
bulletTexas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
bulletUtah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
bulletVermont: Yep
bulletVirginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
bulletWashington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
bulletWest Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
bulletWisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
bulletWyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI WARRIOR IF...

bulletYou ever used the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
bulletYour Jedi robe is camouflage.
bulletYou have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
bulletAt least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
bulletYou can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
bulletYou have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
bulletThe worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
bulletWookies are offended by your B.O.
bulletYou have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
bulletYou have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
bulletYour father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
bulletYou have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
bulletYou have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
bulletYou ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
bulletYou have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
bulletAlthough you'da had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
bulletYou have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
bulletYou suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
bulletIf you hear" "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

LOST IN THE TRANSLATION

English is a hard language to master.

bulletOutside the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
bulletIn an Acapulco Hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
bulletOutside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
bulletIn a Bangkok dry cleaner:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
bulletIn a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes and spend the afternoon having a good time.
bulletIn a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
bulletIn a Yugoslavian Hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
bulletIn a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
bulletIn a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
bulletIn a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
bulletIn the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
bulletAdvertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
bulletFrom the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
bulletIn the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily, except Thursdays.

BOSTON [My Home Town]:

You might be from Boston if.............

  1. You think of Philadelphia as the midwest.
  2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
  3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
  4. You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
  5. All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
  6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
  7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
  8. You don't think you have an attitude.
  9. You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
  10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
  11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
  12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
  13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
  14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
  15. You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
  16. You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
  17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
  18. Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
  19. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
  20. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.

If you're from Boston:

  1. You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).
  2. If you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor,or packagestore).
  3. You only eat italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.

When we say / We mean....

bulletbizah = odd
bulletflahwiz = roses, etc.
bullethahpahst = 30 minutes after the hour
bulletHahwahya? = How are you?
bulletkhakis = what we staht the cah with
bulletpissah = superb
bulletretahded = silly
bulletshoowah = of course
bulletwikkid = extremely
bulletyiz = you, plural
bulletpupcahn = popular snack

How we'll know you weren't bon heah:

bulletYou wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
bulletYou cross at a crosswalk.
bulletYou ask directions to "Cheers."
bulletYou order a grinder and a soda.
bulletYou follow soccer.
bulletYou eat at Durgin Park.
bulletYou pronounce it "Worchester" or "Glouchester".
bulletYou call it "COPEly" Square.

Getting around:

bulletBoston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
bulletWhich Warren Street do you want?
We have three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place. Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
bulletIf the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
bulletAll avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave, Dot Ave.
bulletDot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
bulletReadville doesn't exist.
bulletThe North-East-South-West thing: Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The North End is east of the West End.
bulletThe West End and Scollay Square are no more - a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.

Bostonian Definitions:

bulletBoston cream pie is a cake.
bulletFrappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
bulletChowdah does not contain tomatoes.
bulletIf it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad.
bulletWhen we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
bulletThe smallest beer is a pint.
bulletScrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
bulletIf you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
bulletIt's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.
bulletIt's not a trash can, it's a barrel.
bulletIt's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.
bulletIt's not a purse, it's a pockabook.

MAGIC TRICKS

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

BLONDE JOKE

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted... but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

THE DOCTOR'S VISIT

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

ANOTHER DOCTOR'S VISIT

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

bullet"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
bullet"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. Leave a message."
bullet"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
bullet"You have the right to remain silent. But everything you say will be recorded and used by us."
bullet"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

SATAN'S COMING

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope." He picks at his teeth.

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

BAD LANGUAGE

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.

"Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The Priest sighs, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

Hillary Clinton

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question......... 

"Will I be acquitted?"

Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen

Statements to Ponder

bullet

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone . . .

bullet

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

bullet

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

bullet

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

bullet

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

bullet

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

bullet

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

bullet

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

bullet

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

bullet

Help Wanted:  Telepath.  You know where to apply.

bullet

Department of Redundancy Department.

bullet What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.

The Funeral

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is alive. In fact, she lives for ten more years!

Alas, she finally dies and the funeral is again held at the same synagogue. At the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out... "Watch out for the wall!"

Drinking Problems

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

Tip For Getting Rid Of People Trying To Sell You Shit Over The Phone

Say to the telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish." 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"

The genie laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... How much steel!!! No think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, to know why they are crying, to know what they want when they say "nothing"..."

The genie replied, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"