Home > Jokes...
Here's the first quotable quote of the
Monica Lewinsky on CNN's Larry
KingLive discussing her miraculous Jenny
Craig weight-loss :
"I've learned not to put things
in my mouth that are bad for me."
|Alabama: Yes, we have electricity|
|Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat|
|Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing|
|California: As Seen on TV|
|Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't
|Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only
Dirtier and With Less Character|
|Delaware: We Really Do Like the
Chemicals in our Water|
|Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids|
|Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in
|Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki
Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave
|Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What
More Could You Ask For?|
|Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the
|Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave
|Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn|
|Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit|
|Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen
|Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun
Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign|
|Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have
|Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware|
|Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than
Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)|
|Michigan: First Line of Defense From
|Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and
|Mississippi: Come Feel Better About
Your Own State|
|Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax
Dollars at Work|
|Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the
Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very
|Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto
|Nevada: Whores and Poker!|
|New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us
|New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I
Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!|
|New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets|
|New York: You Have the Right to Remain
Silent, You Have the Right to an
|North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable|
|North Dakota: We Really are One of the
|Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan|
|Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No
|Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For
|Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal|
|Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An
|South Carolina: Remember the Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender|
|South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota|
|Tennessee: The Educashun State|
|Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak
|Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your
|Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs
and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?|
|Washington: Help! We're Overrun By
Nerds and Slackers!|
|West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -
|Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese|
|Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI WARRIOR
|You ever used the phrase, "May
the force be with y'all."|
|Your Jedi robe is camouflage.|
|You have ever used your light saber
to open a bottle of Bud Light.|
|At least one wing of your X-Wings is
|You can easily describe the taste of
|You have ever had a land-speeder up
on blocks in your yard.|
|The worst part of spending time on
Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.|
|Wookies are offended by your B.O.|
|You have ever used the force to get
yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.|
|You have ever used the force in
conjunction with fishing/bowling.|
|Your father has ever said to you,
"Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side...it'll be a hoot."|
|You have ever had your R-2 unit use
its self-defense electro-shock thingy
to get the barbecue grill to light.|
|You have a confederate flag painted
on the hood of your land-speeder.|
|You ever fantasized about Princess
Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.|
|You have the doors of your X-wing
welded shut and you have to get in
through the window.|
|Although you'da had to kill him, you
kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had
a pretty good handle on how to treat
|You have a cousin who bears a strong
resemblance to Chewbacca.|
|You suggested that they outfit the
Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.|
|If you hear" "Luke, I am
your father...and your uncle."|
LOST IN THE TRANSLATION
English is a hard language to master.
|Outside the door of a Moscow
If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
|In an Acapulco Hotel:|
The manager has personally passed all
the water served here.
|Outside a Paris dress shop:|
Dresses for street walking.
|In a Bangkok dry cleaner:|
Drop your trousers here for best
|In a Rome laundry:|
Ladies, leave your clothes and spend
the afternoon having a good time.
|In a Paris hotel elevator:|
Please leave your values at the front
|In a Yugoslavian Hotel:|
The flattening of underwear with
pleasure is the job of the
|In a Rhodes tailor shop:|
Order your summers suit. Because is
big rush we will execute customers in
|In a Budapest zoo:|
Please do not feed the animals. If you
have suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.
|In a Tokyo bar:|
Special cocktails for the ladies with
|In the office of a Roman doctor:|
Specialist in women and other
|Advertisement for donkey rides in
Would you like to ride on your own
|From the Soviet Weekly:|
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of
Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.
|In the lobby of a Moscow hotel
across from a Russian Orthodox
You are welcome to visit the cemetery
where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists and writers are
buried daily, except Thursdays.
BOSTON [My Home Town]:
You might be from Boston
- You think of Philadelphia as the
- You think it's your God-given right
to cut someone off in traffic.
- You think there are only 25 letters
in the alphabet (no R's).
- You think three straight days of 90+
temperatures is a heat wave.
- All your pets are named after
Celtics or Bruins.
- You refer to 6 inches of snow as a
- Just hearing the words "New
York" puts you in an angry mood.
- You don't think you have an
- You always 'bang a left' as soon as
the light turns green, and oncoming
traffic always expects it.
- Everything in town is "a five
- When out of town, you think the
natives of the area are all whacked.
- You still can't bear to watch
highlights from game 6 of the 1986
- You have no idea what the word
- You believe using your turn signal
is a sign of weakness.
- You don't realize that you walk and
talk twice as fast as everyone else.
- You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic
- You think if someone is nice to you,
they must want something, or are from
out of town.
- Your favorite adjective is
- You think 63 degree ocean water is
- You think the Kennedy's are
If you're from Boston:
- You'll know who the cahdnal is, how
to take the T to JP and what the
blinking red light atop the old
Hancock Building means in the summer
(in winter it means snow is due).
- If you're smaht, you'll never get
cahded at the packie (liquor,or
- You only eat italian sausage outside
Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with
When we say / We mean....
|bizah = odd|
|flahwiz = roses, etc.|
|hahpahst = 30 minutes after the hour|
|Hahwahya? = How are you?|
|khakis = what we staht the cah with|
|pissah = superb|
|retahded = silly|
|shoowah = of course|
|wikkid = extremely|
|yiz = you, plural|
|pupcahn = popular snack|
How we'll know you weren't bon heah:
|You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.|
|You cross at a crosswalk.|
|You ask directions to
|You order a grinder and a soda.|
|You follow soccer.|
|You eat at Durgin Park.|
|You pronounce it
"Worchester" or "Glouchester".|
|You call it "COPEly"
|Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century
cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned
in by water. You know, "One if by
land, two if by sea."|
|Which Warren Street do you want?|
We have three Warren Avenues, three Warren
Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren
Place. Pay no attention to the street
names. There's no school on School Street,
no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock
Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay
streets are in alphabetical odda.
Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth.
So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
|If the streets are named after trees
(Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on
Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets,
you're in Wellesley.|
|All avenues are properly referenced by
their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave, Dot
|Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is
Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.|
|Readville doesn't exist.|
|The North-East-South-West thing:
Southie is South Boston. The South End is
the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The
North End is east of the West End.|
|The West End and Scollay Square are no
more - a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.|
|Boston cream pie is a cake.|
|Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes
|Chowdah does not contain tomatoes.|
|If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad.|
|When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic
|The smallest beer is a pint.|
|Scrod is whatever they tell you it is,
|If you paid more than $6 a pound, you
|It's not a water fountain, it's a
|It's not a trash can, it's a barrel.|
|It's not a shopping cart, it's a
|It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.|
A magician was working on a cruise ship
in the Caribbean. The audience would be
different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over
and over again.
There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows every week
and began to understand what the magician
did in every trick. Once he understood
that, he started shouting in the middle of
"Look, it's not the same
hat!" "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under the table!" "Hey,
why are all the cards the Ace of
The magician was furious but couldn't
do anything, it was the captain's parrot
One day the ship had an accident and
sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean,
and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for
After a week the parrot finally said,
"Okay, I give up. What'd you do with
It was snowing heavily and blowing to
the point that visibility was almost zero
when the little blond got off work. She
made her way to her car and wondered how
she was going to make it home. She sat in
her car while it warmed up and thought
about her situation. She finally
remembered her daddy's advice that if she
got caught in a blizzard she should wait
for a snow plow to come by and follow it.
That way she would not get stuck in a snow
This made her feel much better and sure
enough in a little while a snow plow went
by and she started to follow it. As she
followed the snow plow she was feeling
very smug as they continued and she was
not having any problem with the blizzard
After quite sometime had passed she was
somewhat surprised when the snow plow
stopped and the driver got out and came
back to her car and signaled for her to
roll down her window. The snow plow driver
wanted to know if she was all right as she
had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him
of her daddy's advice to follow a snow
plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with
him and she could continue if she
wanted... but he was done with the
Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to
THE DOCTOR'S VISIT
A woman accompanied her husband to the
doctor's office. After his checkup, the
doctor called the wife into his office
alone. He said, "Your husband is
suffering from a very severe disease
combined with horrible stress. If you
don't do the following, your husband will
surely die: Each morning, fix him a
healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal he can take to work. And
for dinner, prepare an especially nice
meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores, as this could further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it
will only make his stress worse. Try to
relax your husband in the evening by
wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of
back rubs. Encourage him to watch some
type of team sporting event on television.
And, most importantly make love with your
husband several times a week and satisfy
his every whim. If you can do this for the
next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health
On the way home, the husband asked his
wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she
ANOTHER DOCTOR'S VISIT
A man comes home from work and finds
his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you
She replies, "I went to the doctor
today, and he told me I have the breasts
of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what
did he say about your 50 year old
She replied, "Frankly dear, your
name never came up."
ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
|"My wife and I can't come to
the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get
back to you as soon as we're
|"A is for academics, B is for
beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. Leave a message."|
|"Hi. This is John. If you are
the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please
send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have plenty of
|"You have the right to remain
silent. But everything you say will be
recorded and used by us."|
|"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm
just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't
call back, it's you."|
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning,
everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early
and goes to their local church. Before the
service starts, the townspeople sit in
their pews and talk about their lives,
their families, etc. Suddenly, at the
altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts
screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the
church except for one man, who sit calmly
in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his
presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says,
"Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope." He
picks at his teeth.
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why
aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your
sister for 25 years."
Why does it take 100 million sperm to
fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have
"What is your sin, my son?"
the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts,
"I used some horrible language this
week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful
language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an
incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but it struck
a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway and fell straight down to the
ground after going only about 100
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," says the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in his
mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?"
asks the Father again.
"Well, no." says the man.
"You see, as the squirrel was
running, an eagle came down out of the
sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?"
asks the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," the man
replies. "As the eagle carried the
squirrel away in his claws, it flew
towards the green. And as it passed over a
bit of forest near the green, the squirrel
dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks
the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it
struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and
rolled through a sand trap onto the green
and stopped within six inches of the
The Priest sighs, "You missed the
fucking putt, didn't you?
a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked
off to visit a fortune teller of some
local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news. "There's no
easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."Visibly
shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's
lined face, then at the single flickering
candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She
simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and
asked her question.........
I be acquitted?"
Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little
boy and a priest were out for a Sunday
afternoon flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed
engine trouble. In spite of the best
efforts of the pilot, the plane started
to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a
parachute, yelled to the
passengers that they had better jump, and
then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were
only three parachutes remaining. The
grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I
save lives, so I must live," and
The lawyer then said,
"I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the
in the world. I deserve to live." He
also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the
little boy and said, "My son, I've
lived a long and
full life. You are young and have your
whole life ahead of you. Take the
last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the
parachute back to the priest and said,
worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the
world' just took off with my
The Beer Prayer
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the
Forever and ever,
can see clearly now, the brain is gone
. . .
beatings will continue until morale
used up all my sick days, so I'm
calling in dead.
takes its toll.
Please have exact change.
carefully to see if you any words out.
stop to think, and forget to start
don't have a solution, but I admire
things get any worse, I'll have to ask
stop helping me.
look back, they might be gaining on
You know where to apply.
of Redundancy Department.
has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.|
A funeral service is being
held in a synagogue for a woman who just
passed away. At the end of the service the
pall bearers are carrying the casket out,
when they accidentally bump into a wall,
jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the
casket and find that the woman is alive.
In fact, she lives for ten more years!
Alas, she finally dies and the funeral is
again held at the same synagogue. At the
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they are
walking down the aisle the husband cries
out... "Watch out for the wall!"
fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer
is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy
you another beer.
fails to give taste and satisfaction, and
the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking
or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and
practice in front of mirror. Drink as many
as needed to perfect drinking technique.
cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so
that open end points toward ceiling.
warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest
dog. After a while complain to the owner
about its lack of house training and
demand a beer as compensation.
FAULT: You are looking through
bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy
you another beer.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence,
perhaps due to air-hockey game in
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being
taken to another bar. If not, complain
loudly that you are being kidnapped.
Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles
and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over
ACTION: If your glass is full and
no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to help you
get up; lash self to bar.
Everything has gone dim, mouth full of
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
Tip For Getting Rid Of People Trying
To Sell You Shit Over The Phone
Say to the telemarketer, "Sorry, I
can't talk right now but if you'd just
give me your home phone number I'll call
you when I'm not as busy. When they say in
a flustered way that they can't give out
their home number say, "Oh, I
see...you don't want strangers calling you
at your home! Now you know how I
A man was walking along a
California beach when he stumbled across
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it
and out popped a genie. The genie said
"OK so you released me from the lamp
blah blah blah, but this is the fourth
time this week and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes, so you can forget
about three. You only get one
The man sat and thought
about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too
scared to fly and I get very seasick. So
could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can drive over there?"
The genie laughed a replied, "That's
impossible. Think of the logistics of
that. How would the supports ever reach
the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how
much concrete... How much steel!!! No
think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a
really good wish. He said, "I've been
married and divorced four times. My wives
have always said I don't care and that I'm
insensitive. I wish that I could
understand women. To know what they are
thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, to know why they are crying, to
know what they want when they say
The genie replied, "You want that
bridge two lanes or four?"