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My #1 All- Time Favorite
Stephen Wright Joke:
I got on the bus,
sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde
Chinese woman crying in the seat across
from me. I moved over and asked her why
she was crying.
usually bare my soul to strangers,"
I replied that
sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell
your story to a perfect stranger. She
nodded and said, "I just came out of
my therapist session and he says there is
no way to cure me."
I asked what
exactly was her problem. She said,
"I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get
turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I
do feel better. By the way, my name is
meet you," I said. "My name is
planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So
I looked closer. It was made of grass.
aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my
birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.
eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But
I only nibble on it. I make the holes
had amnesia once or twice.
bought a million lottery tickets. I won a
rented a lottery ticket. I won a million
dollars. But I had to give it back.
friend Sam has one leg. I went to his
house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
sun never sets on the British Empire. But
it rises every morning. The sky must get
you take a oriental and turn him around so
he faces west, does he become disoriented?
brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told
everybody I'm Narcissus.
many people does it take to change a
wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my
liver on my pant leg.
still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at
it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any
I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice
and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had
to help me across the street.
you write the word "monkey" a
million times, do you start to think
cures weight problems... Eventually...
took a course in speed waiting. Now I can
wait an hour in only ten minutes.
saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They
said, "Here, change this bulb".
said, "I'll need some friends".
moved into an all-electric house. I forgot
and left the porch light on all day. When
I got home the front door wouldn't open.
got a garage door opener. It can't close.
went to a garage sale. "How much for
the garage?" "It's not for
know how it is when you go to be the
subject of a psychology experiment, and
nobody else shows up, and you think maybe
that's part of the experiment? I'm like
that all the time.
know how it is when you decide to lie and
say the check is in the mail, and then you
remember it really is? I'm like that all
went over to the neighbor's and asked to
borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?" "A salt lick."
aren't enough days in the weekend.
friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her
house. The closets have no doors. The
walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker.
Whenever she loses, she has to put
"tired old cliche" one?
you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody
laughs, was it a joke?
only rains straight down. God doesn't do
sign said "eight items or less".
So I changed my name to Les.
I told a chicken to cross the road. It
said, "what for?"
I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked
it why. It told me it was none of my
Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free
Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra
took a course in speed reading. Then I got
Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time
I got the machine set up, I was done.
went to San Francisco. I found someone's
know the guy who writes all those bumper
stickers. He hates New York.
beautiful woman moved in next door. So I
went over and returned a cup of sugar.
"You didn't borrow this."
had my coathangers spayed.
washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer.
When I took it out, it was gone.
Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm
weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing.
went to a fancy French restaurant called
"Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"
week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I
took lessons in bicycle riding. But I
could only afford half of them. Now I can
ride a unicycle.
went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup
of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some
saw a bank that said "24 Hour
Banking", but I don't have that much
went to the museum where they had all the
heads and arms from the statues that are
in all the other museums.
like to go to art museums and name the
untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...
Kitten On Fire.
time I went to a museum where all the work
in the museum had been done by children.
They had all the paintings up on
time I went to the movies I was thrown out
for bringing my own food. My argument was
that the concession stand prices are
outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a
Bar-B-Que in a long time.
time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.
The movie cost me $95.
went to the cinema, and the prices were:
Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said,
"Give me two boys and a girl."
went to a restaurant that serves
"breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French Toast during the
went to this restaurant last night that
was set up like a big buffet in the shape
of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would
move across the floor to it.
a pizza place near where I live that sells
only slices. In the back you can see a guy
tossing a triangle in the air.
used to be a waiter, but I was fired for
clearing tables. I was clearing them for
take off. I had them all lined up outside.
People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I
said, "No, these are leaving at
3." They were going to fire me
anyway, because I told them I thought they
should put the wrapper on the inside of
the straw since that's the part you don't
want to get dirty.
went to a general store. They wouldn't let
me buy anything specifically.
ago, I worked in a natural, organic health
food store in Seattle, Washington. One day
a man walked in and asked, "If I can
melt dry ice, can I swim without getting
wet?" Two days later I was fired for
eating cotton candy and drinking straight
Bosco on the job.
went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a
box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
went down the street to the 24-hour
grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey,
the sign says you're open 24 hours."
He said, "Yes, but not in a
love to go shopping. I love to freak out
salespeople. They ask me if they can help
me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size
I need, and I say, "Extra
went to the hardware store and bought some
used paint. It was in the shape of a
house. I also bought some batteries, but
they weren't included. So I had to buy
went into a clothes store the other day
and a salesman walked up to me and said,
"Can I help you?" And I said
"Yeah, do you got anything I
like?" He said, "What do you
mean do we have anything you like?" I
said, "You started this."
saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if
it was for sale. She said, "It's free
with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
was a power outage at a department store
yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on
bought my brother some gift-wrap for
Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but
in a different print so he would know when
to stop unwrapping.
I was in a bookstore and I started talking
to a French looking girl. She was a
bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read
in two different languages.
used to be an airline pilot. I got fired
because I kept locking the keys in the
plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coat hanger.
night a jet flew a little bit too close to
my house. I was walking from the living
room to the kitchen, and the stewardess
told me to sit down.
I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good
airline. You buy a one way round trip
ticket. You leave any Monday, and they
bring you back the previous Friday... That
way you still have the weekend.
have a friend named Dennis. Both of his
parents were midgets, but he isn't a
midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two
inches tall. He's the one who poses for
friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.
You don't have to go. You'll just be
walking down the street, and...
Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
had a friend who was a clown. When he
died, all his friends went to the funeral
in one car.
owed my friend George $25. For about three
weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I
had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the
morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme
all your money." I said, "Wait a
minute." I said, "George, here's
the 25 dollars I owe you." Then the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his
own money and he gave it to George. At
gunpoint, he made me borrow a thousand
dollars from George.
like to sing you a song now about my old
girlfriend. It's called, "They'll
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause
I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
girlfriend asked me how long I was going
to be gone on this tour. I said, "the
girlfriend does her nails with white-out.
When she's asleep, I go over there and
write misspelled words on them.
I figured I'd leave the area, because I
had no ties there anyway except for this
girl I was seeing. We had conflicting
attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating
and she wasn't really into being alive. I
told her I knew when I was going to die
because my birth certificate has an
can remember the first time I had to go to
sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go
to sleep." I said, "But I don't
know how." She said, "It's real
easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the
end of tired, and just out of curiosity I
hung a right. My mother was there, and she
said "I thought I told you to go to
hate it when my foot falls asleep during
the day because that means it's going to
be up all night.
girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up
the other night and asked, "If you
could tell exactly when and how you were
going to die, would you want to
know?" "Heck no," I said,
"Why?" "Doesn't matter,
just go back to sleep..."
I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked
me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few
was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
night I walked home very late and fell
asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My
dreams showed up on TVs all over the
was once arrested for walking in someone
a good apartment because they allow pets.
I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last
summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre
electrolysis accident. All her hair was
removed except for her tail. Now I rent
her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got
lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
killed the cat, but for a while I was a
toast always lands butter-side down, and
cats always land on their feet, what
happen if you strap toast on the back of a
cat and drop it?
bought a dog the other day... I named him
Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come
here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps
typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They
had little pictures of cats on them. Then
I took one out and he ran around in
other day, I was walking my dog around my
building... on the ledge. Some people are
afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of
spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone
year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He
was using a dotted line. He caught every
a fine line between fishing and standing
on the shore looking like an idiot.
say we're 98% water. We're that close to
drowning... (Picks up his glass of water
from the stool...) I like to live on the
bought some powdered water, but I don't
know what to add to it.
was born by Cesarean section... But not so
you'd notice. It's just that when I leave
a house, I go out through the window.
I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I
was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 --
Still tired from the move. Day 2 --
Everybody talks to me like I'm an
idiot." I was upset because on my
second birthday, I went from being one to
being two, and my age doubled in a year. I
figured at this rate, by the time I'm six,
I'll be ninety.
I was little, my grandfather used to make
me stand in a closet for five minutes
without moving. He said it was elevator
didn't get a toy train like the other
kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I was a little kid we had a sand box. It
was a quicksand box. I was an only
I was five years old I was on a merry go
round. There was a gunshot nearby. The
horses stampeded. There I was running down
the street on a purple wooden horse.
I was eight, I played Little League. I was
on first; I stole third; I went straight
across. Earlier that week, I learned that
the shortest distance between two points
was a direct line. I took advantage of
used to own an ant farm but had to give it
up. I couldn't find tractors small enough
to fit it.
friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He
didn't get his birthmark until he was
eight years old.
school colors were clear. We used to say,
"I'm not naked, I'm in the
I have a kid, I want to buy one of those
strollers for twins. Then put the kid in
and run around, looking frantic. When he
gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a
brother, but he didn't obey.
don't need a vacation, but I still see
them at the beach... It pisses me off!
I'll go over to a little baby and say,
"What are you doing here? You haven't
worked a day in your life!"
friend has a baby. I'm recording all the
noises he makes so later I can ask him
what he meant.
getting a tattoo. It's going to be all
over my whole body - a tattoo of myself.
have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd
never know it to look at it.
neighbors don't like it when I talk to my
plants ... I use a megaphone.
grandma says she has eyes in the back of
her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to
strangers ... we haven't spoken since.
bought this thing for my car. You put it
on your car, it sends out this little
noise, so when you drive through the
woods, deer won't run in front of your
car. I installed it backwards by accident.
Driving down the street with a herd of
deer chasing me. Those were the days.
a good thing to say to the police the next
time they stop you. "License and
registration, please." "Hermits
have no peer pressure." "License
and registration, please."
"Whenever I think about the past, it
just brings back so many memories."
"License and registration,
please." "There's a fine line
between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say,
Officer?" "License and
registration, please." "What's
another word for Thesaurus?" See the
cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was
just trying to give him a ticket."
the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has
been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to
see him finally get right up to him and go
"Sorry, I thought you were someone
hasn't been the same since I installed the
funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is
down the street at 150 miles per hour with
a friend of mine on cruise control. Both
of us in the back seat. The police pulled
us over. They don't know who to arrest,
nobody's driving. So, they arrested us
both. I'm on the witness stand. You know
can't wait to be arrested and go all the
way to the witness stand. "Do you
swear to tell the whole truth and nothing
but the truth so help you, God?"
"Yes, you're ugly. See that women in
the jury? I'd really like to sleep with
her. Should I keep going or are you going
to ask me questions?"