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Jokes About Work
Ever look at
the Help wanted ads and wonder what they really mean? Here is my guide to Job Search Lingo:
- We remain
competitive by paying you less than our competition.
our fast-paced company"
- We have no time
to train you.
- "Casual work
- We don't
pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- Some every
night and some every weekend.
- Anyone in the
office can boss you around.
- "Must have
an eye for detail"
- We have no
applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
- "Apply in
- If you're old,
fat or ugly, you'll be told that the
position has been filled.
candidates with a wide variety of experience"
- You'll need it
to replace the three people who just quit.
skills a must"
- You're walking
into perpetual chaos.
team leadership skills"
- You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
communicates, you listen, and guess what they really want done.
other side of the coin ....
Phrases for you to use in an interview:
"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.
"I take pride in my work."
I blame others for any mistakes.
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I am very adaptable."
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I am always on the go."
I'm never at my desk.
"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
Things NOT to Say at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. |
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' |
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' |
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' |
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. |
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for- '2000 Flushes' |
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. |
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. |
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the
supplies from your other job. |
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving. |
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up. |
Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.|