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Jokes About Work

Ever look at the Help wanted ads and wonder what they really mean? Here is my guide to Job Search Lingo:

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere" 
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.
"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly, you'll be told that the position has been filled.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, and guess what they really want done.

The other side of the coin ....
Phrases for you to use in an interview:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization" 
I've used Microsoft Office. 
"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable" 
I pilfer office supplies. 
"I take pride in my work." 
I blame others for any mistakes. 
"I'm personable." 
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 
"I am very adaptable." 
I've changed jobs a lot. 
"I am always on the go." 
I'm never at my desk. 
"I'm highly motivated to succeed" 
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

Things NOT to Say at a Job Interview

bullet See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. 
bullet Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' 
bullet Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' 
bullet After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' 
bullet Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. 
bullet Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for- '2000 Flushes' 
bullet Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. 
bullet Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. 
bullet Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. 
bullet Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving. 
bullet Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up. 
bullet Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.