|
|
Home > Jokes
> Work...Jokes About Work
Ever look at
the Help wanted ads and wonder what they really mean? Here is my guide to Job Search Lingo:
-
"Competitive
Salary"
- We remain
competitive by paying you less than our competition.
- "Join
our fast-paced company"
- We have no time
to train you.
- "Casual work
atmosphere"
- We don't
pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- "Some
overtime required"
- Some every
night and some every weekend.
- "Duties
will vary"
- Anyone in the
office can boss you around.
- "Must have
an eye for detail"
- We have no
quality assurance.
- "Career-minded"
- Female
applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
- "Apply in
person"
- If you're old,
fat or ugly, you'll be told that the
position has been filled.
- "Seeking
candidates with a wide variety of experience"
- You'll need it
to replace the three people who just quit.
- "Problem-solving
skills a must"
- You're walking
into perpetual chaos.
- "Requires
team leadership skills"
- You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
- "Good
communication skills"
- Management
communicates, you listen, and guess what they really want done.
The
other side of the coin ....
Phrases for you to use in an interview:
-
"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
-
I've used Microsoft Office.
-
"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
-
I pilfer office supplies.
-
"I take pride in my work."
-
I blame others for any mistakes.
-
"I'm personable."
-
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
-
"I am very adaptable."
-
I've changed jobs a lot.
-
"I am always on the go."
-
I'm never at my desk.
-
"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
-
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
Things NOT to Say at a Job Interview
|
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. |
|
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' |
|
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' |
|
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' |
|
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. |
|
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for- '2000 Flushes' |
|
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. |
|
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. |
|
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the
supplies from your other job. |
|
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving. |
|
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up. |
|
Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview. |
|