R-Rated Material

A Wife Always Knows

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up.  I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.  We leave right away.  So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas.  I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks:  "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

Q: Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles."

A young couple were playing their first round of golf at one of those new courses that surround expensive homes. At the fourth hole, the woman drove her ball through a window in one of the houses. The young man was pissed.

"Damn, now we have to go over there and confess to this. We'll probably have to spend my whole next paycheck paying for that window." They walked over to the door of the house and rang the doorbell. As they waited, they noticed the window that was broken. It was a huge picture window. They stepped over the broken glass and stepped in through the window. A small table was right in the middle of the space and a glass bottle had been knocked over onto the floor, breaking off the topper.

Suddenly a very old man, came around the corner dressed in a smoking jacket and silk pajamas. The young man took the blame and said he had broken the window.

"No problem," said the old man, "I am a genie that you released from the lamp on the stand. I can give you one wish, but I demand something in return."

The young man said, "Name it."

"For whatever you wish for, I want one hour in bed with your wife." They talked it over and agreed.

"Okay. You've got it. One hour with my wife in exchange for one, no, ten million dollars."

"It will be waiting for you at home. Now if you will excuse us, we'll be back in one hour."

After the hour was through, as the old man was putting his smoking jacket back on and tying the belt around his waist, he asked the young woman how old they were. She replied that her husband was 28 and she was 25.

The old man looked up and said, "You're both over 25 and you still believe in genies?"

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down

here... you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's... awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt... well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW!! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No...

Demon: "Uh oh...," (grimaces) "you're REALLY gonna hate Fridays."

RESTROOM GRAFFITI

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library, Duke University.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.

Express Lane: Five beers or less
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA